Sunday, November 23, 2008

Life With Mortals

It's not about me! What in the world does that mean? Cuz, I get so confused. I want life to be about me though. I want people to like and respect me. I want to be thought well of. I want friends. I want to be successful. I want to be loved. Is this wrong?

God, what does it mean?

I think I want to have value and I want to be loved. How can I be sure that I have value? How can I be sure that I am loved? Everything inside of me tells me that value is in the number of friends I have or how pretty I am or how successful I am or how kind I am or how assertive I am or how well (or if at all) I can lead others or how knowledgeable I am or how well I can blog... the list could go on and on. I guess I think that I can only be loved if I have value.

So I make myself valuable. I run every day. I try to make myself presentable outwardly. I fix my hair and make-up. I eat the right kinds of foods. I read to gain knowledge. I try to help others to become altruistic. I analyze over and over how everyone views me. I want everyone to want to be me! But, the funny thing is that I try to sooooo hard to change myself. How does that work? I'm hard on myself too. I need to be more outgoing, more friendly, more assertive, more feminine, less feminine, more talkative, less talkative, funnier, quieter, louder, more committed, more driven, more content, relaxed, focused, taller, thinner...

And on top of it all, I become upset with myself for this excessive self-dwelling pit that I have created for myself. But really, I am only upset, because I am devalued by trying to make myself more valuable. On the outside, she's coming together. On the inside, she's lost in extreme chaos. She's falling apart.

I was in church this morning with my "lost self". Something clicked. Pastor Rick preached about the woman at the well. The passage in the Bible about the adulterous Samaritan Woman. She came to the well to drawl water. Jesus asked her for a drink. She was shocked that HE was TALKING to her! Now, some of us have made our "outsides" so convincing, so "VALUABLE" to others, the world, that we think that we have finally "arrived". The screaming chaos inside is ignored more and more every day as the world tells us "we're OK". But for this Samaritan woman, no one was telling her she was OK. She had to get water at a complete different time from the rest of the women in her area, because she was rejected and despised by them. This woman had nothing from the world as she was searching, desperately trying to find her value. We ALL do it. We all want to be loved. And something/someone out there tells us how to get it. For the successful doctor or pastor, their endeavors are strongly accepted. For the adulterous woman, she is shunned. She has nothing but her hunger/thirst for acceptance. No false value. She knows who she is. And Jesus, knew too. "Go and get your husband." "I have no husband." "Yes, you actually have had 5 husbands, and the man you now live with is not your husband. What you have said is quite true."

Where is my value? The Samaritan woman had been going to the well at a different time each day from the rest of the women, because she did not want to be rejected. "I am the Messiah." Jesus says. And she's off! Into the village she goes and tells EVERYONE. For someone who is trying to avoid others, this is not the best way to do it. What happened to her?

The Samaritan woman came to the well naked! That is, she had no visual successes to hide her shame, to mask the chaos. He saved her! She could see she needed saving.

Can I see that I need saving? Am I trying to find so much "value" that I am loosing myself? Am I trying to get my successes from the world? Do I see the chaos in my life? Am I willing to admit that I am nothing. I'm not the prettiest, the smartest, thinnest, or kindest. I'm not the leader, most driven, most focused, most powerful. Sometimes I'm too loud, sometimes I'm too quiet. I'm often too sensitive.

What happened to the Samaritan woman? God revealed to her that she was His child! That's all! And God saved His child.

There's my value! And it's not about me!