Sunday, October 24, 2010

To Be Free From Myself

I'm having one of those days. Feeling a little down about myself. Wondering, if I'm really OK. What I mean, is, I get these times where I feel like something is wrong with me. Something that will never be completely right. I know that to be myself is a good thing. But, sometimes I feel like I try too hard. It's always a struggle between insecurity and pride. One extreme or the other, I think. Honestly, I truly want to put others first or honor others before myself. When I am insecure, I am not doing this, because I am analyzing how others view me rather than thinking of how to bless and serve them. And, I don't have to explain how a prideful attitude does not honor ANYONE. No, I think to truly honor someone else above me, means that I am not thinking much about myself at all. This doesn't mean that I don't think much OF myself, just not ABOUT myself. I have been thinking a lot this week about a quote from C.S. Lewis, "To be free from myself for just one moment, is like a cool drink of water in a hot desert." YES! That is how I feel inside. I love those fleeting moments, when I am fully alive, enjoying others, God's creation, joy, laughter, being me without "myself" interrupting. "The Glory of God is man fully alive." Ironic that in order to be "fully alive" I must be past my own self to enjoy and glorify God.

Yes, I feel a need for a good cold drink of water right now.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Welcome Fall

Fall is one of my FAVORITE times of year. I love apple cider and pies, pumpkins, spices, chili, holiday movies by a warm fire, the crisp cool fall mornings, and hearing the sound of crunchy leaves under my feet. This time always makes me feel somewhat nostalgic of being a child. Now, that I have a child of my own, it's almost like living these memories all over again. What a blessing!

It's hard to believe how fast time flies with a baby. Annabelle is nearly 10 months! My baby, will not be a baby much longer. :( She's cut 2 teeth, eating sweet potato puffs, crawling, and pulling herself to a standing position now! She tried sweet potato fries last night! I've never seen her SO happy. Where did this time go? It seemed those first few months after she was born were an eternity! Now, I understand a little, when parents tell me to enjoy the time I have with her, as it will go by quickly. SO true.
All ready for a walk with Dad

It's Pumpkin time

My little pumkin in 2009

My Pumpkin in 2010

Monday, October 4, 2010


For the past few weeks or so, I have been a little consumed, ok maybe a lot, by the Keirsy Personality book, "Please Understand Me". The book provides a test that determines your personality type, of which are 16. So, I have taken this test MORE than a few times, as though maybe, my type might change. I have always wanted to be extroverted, fun, care free, but I know deep down, that I tend to think quite a bit about the meaning behind life, my values, spiritual things, the "bigger picture" in every situation. I can be very sensitive, ugggg... I wish that trait would just go away, and easily offended. Sometimes, I can go so deep in thought that I am oblivious to life around me. I tend to keep what is really important to me inside or I write it down. I can have such high ideals, that sometimes, I can be critical of myself and others when they are not "lived out". When I really look at myself, I am, after all this soul searching, a true blue INFP.

The INFP personality is called the, "Dreamer". This personality is very idealistic about life, with a complex thought life that few know of, because of the "introverted" function. We are driven by our "gut instinct" or intuition, the N function, and our feelings tend to control our actions and how we "do life". We dream about the way life "should be", and will follow, strongly after these ideals. This is me! It really is. I have learned to be social over the years, and some might even think extroverted at times. But this is definitely a learned behaviour. I was very shy when I was young, and very withdrawn. I have definitely struggled with emotional outbursts, and am constantly making decisions based on feeling. Good and bad, I have learned. Thank goodness, Michael's personality makes decision based on logic. We are a good pair. Here's a little more info on the INFP:

"INFPs are highly intuitive about people. They rely heavily on their intuitions to guide them, and use their discoveries to constantly search for value in life. They are on a continuous mission to find the truth and meaning underlying things. Every encounter and every piece of knowledge gained gets sifted through the INFP's value system, and is evaluated to see if it has any potential to help the INFP define or refine their own path in life."
- Portrait of an INFP (The Personality Page)

"An INFP's feelings form the foundations of the individual. They are sacred and binding, in the sense that their emergence requires no further justification. An INFP's feelings are often guarded, kept safe from attack and ridicule. Only a few, close confidants are permitted entrance into this domain."
- INFP Profile (INFP Mailing List)

"creative, smart, idealist, loner, attracted to sad things, disorganized, avoidant, can be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings..."
- INFP Jung Type Descriptions (

No wonder I have ALWAYS been disorganized!!!! hahaha... This explains so much. Ok, seriously, it really does. I am starting to see that being me, is ok. So, I might not be the "life of the party", or the best conversationalist, or the "take charge" leader. I am learning that this is ok. I don't have to make myself something I'm not. I don't have to be embarrassed that I love studying personalities, or that my personality is the same as "Anne of Green Gables" (go figure). God has made me the way that I am for a reason. I'm thankful. But poor Annabelle, I've already tried to figure her personality out! hahaha... I think I'll just let her be a baby for now! ;)